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You asked for it. You got it. This is my article on haggis. Actually no one actually asked me for it but you are going to get it anyway. Besides everyone loves pudding.
A word of warning. The following article depicts a meal that may make you sick, nauseous, and experience violent tremors. I had a similar experience from watching the Will Ferrell movie "Blades of Glory" yet I survived. Read on at your own risk.
Let us start with the bloody facts. We learn from Merriam Webster (m-w.com) that haggis is ":a traditionally Scottish dish that consists of the heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep or a calf minced with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the animal."
The heart, liver and lungs can also be referred to as the sheep's offal. Is it mere coincidence that offal could easily be spelled awful? I think not.
I must also ponder the question of whether or not it is really necessary to boil it in the animals stomach? Throw it in a Ziploc bag for goodness sake.
Haggis is often served with "neeps and tatties" which would be rutabagas and potatoes to you and me. Interestingly enough it is also often served with a dram or rather Scottish whiskey. I knew you would have to be intoxicated to eat Haggis.
If you will allow me to go off topic a bit, do I just have a dirty mind or are the slang words for rutabagas and potatoes eerily similar to slang words that we use for the female breast? Why is this?
I will move forward. Despite the fact that its origins go back centuries there is little evidence that haggis is catching on around the world. In fact since the mad cow scare in England you cannot import haggis from Scotland. It could be from the risk associated with mad cow disease or it could be because it tastes like baby vomit.
Another side note. Although I have a vast amount of experience with baby vomit I have never actually eaten baby vomit. Judging from smell and sight I can only imagine that baby vomit does not, in fact, taste good. Nor do I have any idea as to whether baby vomit is any worse or better than other types of vomit such as, big people vomit, cat vomit, or llama vomit.
If you go to Scotland on a search for the perfect haggis you risk being duped. Those wacky Scotlanders have a tradition much like our snipe hunting. They will send unknowing tourists haggis hunting. One website describes the haggis as a bird with three legs of varying sizes. Curiously enough the sound it makes sounds very much like "snipe."
A new sport that is going in front of the International Olympic Committee is Haggis Hurling. The current record for throwing a haggis is 180 feet 10 inches. The concept is simple. A man or woman attempts to throw a haggis as far as possible. The sport started when a man of sensible tastes decided to try haggis without drinking the Scottish whiskey beforehand and threw his plate as an involuntary response.
The poet Robert Burns has memorialized haggis in his poem "Address To A Haggis". Thus solidifying his elevated status as a great writer of poetry because if you can write a poem expressing affection for this dish you must be good.
Often described as pudding, Jell-o had once contemplated introducing a line of haggis pudding to its marketing mix but thought that kids might prefer butterscotch over sheep hearts. Even Bill Cosby could not push that stuff.
I think that just about covers it. What is next in this series of articles? Vegemite sandwich anyone?
Dan Bimrose is the creator of coffeeandprozac.com [http://www.coffeeandprozac.com] a website devoted to making people think, laugh or cry. Daily Opinions, Editorials, and Stories [http://www.coffeeandprozac.com] He suggests dropping bread crumbs so that you can find your way back on a daily basis.
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